I’m thinking too much again and I don’t know how to stop it. When there are times I actually need to speak, I don’t because I’m thinking too much. The way my mind works is that it throws all of these thoughts and ideas in a bowl, and one by one, I pick one up, evaluate whether it’s right or wrong, and I connect it to everything else in the bowl to judge if it’s the best thing to say out loud. The problem is whenever I compare it to another thought in the bowl, new ideas pop up and join the rest. So as I am picking each one out, it seems that the bowl become 5 times fuller after the next. I am constantly switching between thoughts and adding new ones in my head that I don’t even realize the bowl is overflowing. By the time it overflows, I am mentally drowned out and I just sort of sit here looking at the mess. Trying to figure what part of it should I start cleaning.. or what part of it should I start listening to. And then out of no where a gigantic fan pops into my head and blows everything around. And I do it all over again. I get lost in my thoughts and to even have the chance of speaking out loud isn’t at my reach yet. So I just stay quiet. I stay quiet until I drown in these thoughts.
Has anyone ever drowned? Or been submerged in water so deep that you couldn’t tell which way was the right way out? That you freak at the thought of dying because you took too long to think about which direction is the right one? Then alas, as you are choking in silence you see bubbles. Those bubbles are my thoughts right now, but they’re not moving. They’re just floating still. And I don’t know which direction to go. And I feel like I’m going to die. I’m scared. Maybe the time is just moving really slow so these bubbles haven’t budged yet. I dunno. But floating in a dark place with my thoughts, and only my thoughts are starting to scare me. Because I feel like they’re staring at me back. I feel like I’m not moving, and these uncomfortable thoughts aren’t helping at all. I’m sure I’ll get out of this somehow, and things will be normal in my head again. But it’s only temporary. It always is.
*On the surface, there’s my boyfriend. He’s the lonely fisherman at the sea gripping his used and worn out fishing pole, and he’s desperately trying to get me back. On good days we’re on a huge ship, sailing towards our dreams. An adventure for two, searching for a wonderful island we could anchor and settle the rest of our lives in. We have fun days where we enjoy our times together, and then there are days where it seems that the waves aren’t moving fast enough. The worst is when the storm comes, and the oceans grow angry. We fight. The ship shakes and sways uncontrollably and I become afraid. I end up feeling like I’m the burden and if I don’t leave now, we’ll both be dead. I end up worrying too much, and I get consumed in thoughts and insecurities that I jump off. Of course, the right thing to do is to battle the storm together, but I am so weak. I am too fucking weak right now. I am too afraid that I’ll only kill us if I stay. Sometimes I feel so much of a horrible person that I think it’s better I’m not around. I push you away and assure you that there are others willing to sail with you, and that they’ll probably offer more that I ever could. You always tell me I’m wrong, but I jump off anyway because I think you’ll be better off without me. I become blinded with so much hate for myself that I don’t realize I’m doing this to us, and I get lost. I even forget I don’t even know how to swim. (literally.) Swimming is like thinking in this metaphorical story btw.
And yet, every time this ends up happening, you go fishing for me anyway. Every time. Sometimes I hate myself even more at the thought of how many lonely people are out there in the world. And the one person that is showing his devoted love for me, I push it away. Pathetic. I’m sorry I’m so hard to deal with sometimes. It isn’t the past I had with people, it’s more like the past I’ve had with myself. I was such a horrible person, I couldn’t see it then, but I definitely see it now. I’ve accepted my mistakes, but I don’t think I’ve ever forgiven myself. Sure things were done to me as a child, and it completely ruined my perspective of what was right or wrong. I’ve been taken advantage of. Things were taken away from me. I’ve been used so many times. But that’s still no excuse for all the awful things I’ve done. I still did horrible things without a care in the world. I was the girl in highschool that put boys above bestfriends. I naively fell in love with and dated my bestfriend’s long time crush. I cheated. I cheated so many times. I backstabbed friends and did things behind their backs. I two-faced so many people and I played innocent. I lied too many times. Yeah, go ahead. Cringe. I do it every time I remember the things I did. I thought it was okay back then, but now, after seeing how much it desensitizes you? How much it fucks with your trust issues and your mind? Not trust just for others, but realizing that you did one of the most disgusting things in the world without really recognizing it? This gives you the most unstable thought process I can’t even understand it. Things happened to me that I would have never thought would. I did things I preached I would never do. When you are finally alone, and you lose all of your friends, you’ll feel so guilty. You will avoid people and you will stop making new friends because you’re afraid of hurting anyone else. I stopped leaving my own home for almost a whole year because I was so embarrassed and afraid. That messed up my social skills so much I have horrible social anxiety till today. I get nervous ordering food from restaurants. I stopped going to school and certain classes because I was afraid of talking to the teacher and students. When people don’t reply back or quick enough on social websites, I become overly paranoid that they probably hate me. Because of this, you might even hate yourself like I did.
Then I met you. When you finally find true love, and you start to finally feel real emotions, you realize how much your soul was abused, and how much hurt you’ve caused to people around you. It’s the first time in my twenty years of life that I’ve finally understood emotions and why we share them. Being desensitized at such a young age can really mess with you if you don’t do anything about it. I never told anyone, and instead I lived through all of my relationships as if it were a fun game. I hurt people and let myself be used too much. I lost respect for my myself for even letting people walk all over me. I put others wants and needs before mines. I was that girl on the shelf that welcomed scumbags back to use me when they’re not satisfied with what they have. I watched dozens of girls fall in love with the same guy that would come back to me for a “rush” on the side. Then I’d watch them get their hearts broken. Because of everything that has happened to me in the past years, I can’t think straight anymore. Karma? Fuck yes. Do I regret it? No. As crazy as it sounds, no. Sure I would love to take back all the hurt I’ve cause, be a little more sane, and think more simply.. But all of these things, the bad and the good, has shaped me to be me. I am able to feel more deeply and grasp emotions more passionately in my head because I’ve experienced the dark depths of it. When I am upset, I’m really upset and sometimes become too dramatic about it. It sucks sometimes. But when I am happy, I am high on happiness and it’s amazing. And the times where we feel so uncontrollably in love with each other, it’s ridiculously overwhelming. I feel like I can overcome anything with this love feeling we feed off each other. Suddenly all of these dreams and goals for our lives seem so conquerable. I guess the part of me where I become overly dramatic and depressed is something I’ll grow out of in time. We’re doing this again, and I’ve been quiet since lastnight. I’m sorry you have to deal with this part of me. I still love you and appreciate everything you do for me. It’s just sometimes I need some time to think for myself. I am too lucky to have a boyfriend that can handle this part of me. I just want you to know that I am aware we are growing through all our flaws, and I can’t wait for that day where we can wake up, make breakfast, get in a silly fight, and this time, get over it in a snap. I can’t wait until we’re finally living with each other, and if we ever do fight, that we could atleast see each other. To know that our other half is physically safe, give a kiss or two on the forehead.. tight hugs are nice too. Even if we’re facing the opposite side, at least we’re laying on the same bed. I can’t wait for this kind of comfort because it’s really difficult this way. And again, I’m proud to have someone that can do this with me. I’ll have better things to say when my mind isn’t so clouded. As for now, I love you, and thank you for loving me.
haha, yeah i’ve seen this, it STILL freaks me out.
What the-?
HAHAHAH WTF.
why?
“This image is no longer available”
LOL, after you see “This image is no longer available”, press the arrow to go down the street a little more and look at the man on the sidewalk.
oh my god.
omg what omg
Neiiighhh.
oh my god
WHAT THE PHO..
omfg …
I don’t see it..
What the.. :O
What am i suppose to see? Im confused?
Wow I just shit myself.. but LOLL
LOOL I need that
wow this is tragic and it breaks my fucking heart. but the photographer can get this close to the animal for a picture but they can’t help it in any way? the world doesn’t need your artsy bullshit right now, they need help.
im15
helping these animals is a bit useless~
after they are cleaned they just get all oily again
:(
Awww look at the little birdy sun bathing on its back ^__^
the bird is dead
Oh have you not heard? It was my understanding that everone has heard.. Heard what……?
A WELL A BIRD BIRD BIRD, BIRDS THE WORD! A WELL A BIRD BIRD BIRD, BIRDS THE WORD, A WELL A BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRDS THE WORD, DON’T YOU KNOW ABOUT THE BIRD, WELL EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT THE BIRD BAH BAH BAH OOH MOW MOW BAH BAH OOH OOH MOW MOW
sorry, LOL this is sad to me but I couldn’t help it
When I give you my jacket
or any other type of clothing, I don’t ever want it back. It’s not just because you’re my one and only, and it’s a cliche thing to give the girlfriend an item from my closet..
It’s so, on those cold nights where I’m not around to hug you tight, I can still keep you warm even when I’m miles away; just put on my hoodie. So on those days where you feel like you don’t want to put anything else on, you can slide into my jacket. When you miss me unbearably, just like I’ma be missing you ten fold, you can take in my scent as if I were standing right next to you. So when I’m not there, I can still wrap myself around you. Without actually being there.
And don’t ever give it back.
I’d rather see you burn it in front of my eyes - along with every other one of my belongings I have ever given to you, than have you give it back. Especially when now, it’s drowned in the intoxicating aroma of you.
TADAH!~ I hope you guys ate eggs today :3
(His remainings went in my french toast )cute! except for the fact that it broke
But its sparkly :D
(via heyyoitsrobee)
AAYYYYYYYE, this is me all day -_______-
if girls are aware of this, then why do they still do it? -_-‘
lulss That’s why they’re called “girls” ….
Women fall for a man without any fancy labels- The end.
-Krizko
alicelostthroughthelookingglass:
plastic bag!
scissors
a fork
shotgun
(via abbikadabra)
A PEN…
keys
high heels
nail varnish remover. or my guitar
A spoon.
MAH FISTS.
………….. a spoon
MA CREYSan empty beer bottle.
I’m sitting on the floor, but if i wason a chair, then it would be a lamp.
a plastic binder, that my friend just broke
lamp!
TOILET PAPER! (i’m not in the bathroom or anything -_- its just cause i have a runny nose.)
Hadouken (lol)
My Vagina Dentata
california girls in my pants.
Baby in my pants.
Go Go Go in my pants
Easy in my pants.
Without U in my pants.
My Dream in my pants
Bingeul Bingeul in my pants XD
OMG in my pants.
I Did Wrong in my pants~
Distance in my pants
ass & titties in my pants
Working For The Weekend in my pants
go on girl in my pants
Fearless in my pants.
perfect two in my pants .
sexy bitch in my pants. ;D
super fast jellyfish in my pants LOL
TO THOSE WHO THINK ABORTING BABY CARROTS IS OKAY
OH MY GOD THAT’S DISGUSTING, GET IT OFF MY DASH.
WHAT THE FUCK! THAT IS SO WRONG!! PRO-CARROT LIFE PEOPLE!
This is so sad.
Sick bastards :<
LOOK HOW TINY THEY LOOK ON THOSE LADY HANDS ;__;
goodlord…if you don’t want carrots DON’T GROW THEM ㅠ_ㅠ
TO THOSE WHO THINK ABORTING BABY CARROTS IS OKAY
OH MY GOD THAT’S DISGUSTING, GET IT OFF MY DASH.
WHAT THE FUCK! THAT IS SO WRONG!! PRO-CARROT LIFE PEOPLE!
This is so sad.
Sick bastards :<
LOOK HOW TINY THEY LOOK ON THOSE LADY HANDS ;__;
goodlord…if you don’t want carrots DON’T GROW THEM ㅠ_ㅠ
